


and through the cawing of sea birds and the crashing of waves he shrieks into the abyss yo dogg i heard you like wormholes

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22591663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat roleplay.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 45
Kudos: 248





	and through the cawing of sea birds and the crashing of waves he shrieks into the abyss yo dogg i heard you like wormholes

turntechGodhead [TG] is trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG:  OH MY FUCKING ***GOD**!!!!!!!!!!****  
TG:  I CANNOT EVEN *HOPE* TO **BEGIN** TO ***DESCRIBE*** THE LENGTHS TO WHICH I WOULD GO TO SPARE MYSELF FROM WITNESSING FOR ANOTHER SECOND THE GODDAMN!  
TG:  FUCKING!  
TG:  USELESS!  
TG:  WASTE OF SPACE YOUR CARCASS IS TAKING UP IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!  
TG:  BUT BY FUCKING *GOD* I’M GONNA TRY!!!!!!!!!  
TG:  I WOULD FUCKING STICK MY THINKPAN UNDER A HYDRAULIC PRESS!!!!  
TG:  OR AS US TROLLS LIKE TO CALL IT  
TG:  A SQUISHDISC!  
TG:  I WOULD ****GLADLY**** SUBMIT MYSELF TO THE INEXORABLE CRUSH OF ITS STEELY EMBRACE!!!!!!  
TG:  THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I’M WORRIED IT WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH!!!!!  
TG:  YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!  
TG:  BECAUSE WHAT IF MY MIND SURVIVES??????  
TG:  WHAT IF  
TG:  AFTER MY SKULL SHATTERS  
TG:  AND SHREDS OF MY BRAIN ARE ROCKETED INTO EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM LIKE A GLITTER BOMB OF GRAY MATTER JUST WENT OFF  
TG:  MY CONSCIOUSNESS SOMEHOW ENDURES???????????  
TG:  BECAUSE I KNOW  
TG:  I JUST FUCKING KNOW!  
TG:  THAT THOSE SYNAPSES ARE GOING TO KEEP FIRING ACROSS THE EMPTY SPACE FROM SMEAR TO TINY SMEAR THAT UNTIL SO RECENTLY MADE UP MY THINKSPONGE!!!!!!!!  
TG:  AND THOSE SYNAPSES ARE GOING TO COME TOGETHER IN A HEROIC ACT OF OUT OF BODY UNDERSTANDING  
TG:  TO DWELL ON HOW *FUCKING* *MUCH* YOU ARE PISSING ME *OFF* RIGHT NOW, KARKAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TG:  SO YOU KNOW WHAT??????  
TG:  *******I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING RISK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*************  
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
TG: what do you think  
TG: you like it  
CG: HAHAHA YEAH THAT WAS AMAZING!  
CG: ...  
CG: MAYBE TONE DOWN THE SHOUT POLES A LITTLE BIT, THOUGH.  
TG: aw really  
CG: YEAH, I DON’T FUCKING END EVERY SENTENCE WITH TEN SHOUT POLES, DAVE.  
TG: i donno man ive seen it happen  
TG: especially karkat classic  
TG: hoo boy  
TG: do NOT get between that guy and his fucking shout poles  
TG: take it from me  
CG: OK, FINE.  
CG: MAYBE.  
CG: WERE YOU GOING FOR KARKAT CLASSIC?  
TG: i was goin for a hearty melange  
CG: HAHAHA!  
CG: OH YEAH?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: old school karkat blended sensuously with modern karkat  
TG: a karkat, changed  
TG: softened by time  
TG: and by the power of this human disease called love  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: can you deny it  
CG: YEAH, I CAN.  
CG: I DON’T THINK WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WERE GOING FOR THERE HAS BEEN SOFTENED BY SHIT.  
TG: hm yeah maybe not  
CG: JEGUS, IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE MAKING UP FOR ALL THOSE SWEEPS YOU’VE GONE WITHOUT SHOUT POLES.  
CG: TRYING TO GET ALL FIFTEEN YEARS OF THEM OUT IN ONE SITTING.  
TG: haha  
CG: I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN EVEN FIND IT ON THE KEYBOARD.  
TG:  I DID IT JUST FOR YOU, BABE.  
CG: HOLY SHIT  
CG: NO  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: hahaha  
CG: IS *THAT* SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING “SOFT” ME??  
TG: a karkat, gentled  
CG: NO!  
TG: hahaha  
CG: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT!  
CG: I HAVE NEVER FUCKING CALLED ANYBODY “BABE” IN MY FUCKING LIFE.  
CG: AND I INTEND TO FUCKING KEEP IT THAT WAY!  
TG: hahaha sorry dude  
TG: ok now you try to do me  
CG: OK.  
TG: ...  
TG: whats up are you gonna go or  
CG: YEAH!  
CG: YEAH I AM.  
CG: IT’S JUST  
TG: what  
CG: I JUST NEED A MINUTE.  
TG: wait did i actually creep you out with that babe thing  
CG: NO IT’S JUST...  
TG: ??  
CG: IT’S THE RED, OK?  
TG: oh  
TG: oh shit  
TG: fuck  
TG: i didnt even think about that  
TG: you dont have to do the red its fine  
TG: just do it in gray and take caps lock off for once in your goddamn life  
TG: honestly thats gonna be enough of a shock anyway im gonna totally forget its you no problem  
CG: UG  
CG: NO  
CG: I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT.  
CG: IT’S NOT A FUCKING ISSUE ANYMORE.  
CG: I SHOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME.  
TG: you sure dude  
TG: cuz its totally fine if it does  
TG: no shame  
CG: NO, IT’S OK.  
CG: I’VE EVEN DONE IT BEFORE.  
TG: what when  
CG: WITH MY FUCKING FUTURE SELF.  
TG: you wrote in red?  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: uhhh  
CG: WAIT  
TG: holy shit  
CG: NO!  
TG: did you  
CG: AHHH!!!!  
TG: dude were you fucking pretending to be me  
CG: NO I FUCKING WASN’T, DAVE!!!  
TG: hey no judgment here man  
CG: OH MY GOD, NO!!!!  
CG: IT WAS A FUCKING MISERABLE SCREAMFEST BETWEEN ME AND MY FUTURE, AND THEN WHEN I IMMEDIATELY FUCKING DID IT AGAIN, *PAST* SELF!!  
CG: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE THEY’RE STILL STUCK IN THAT GODFORSAKEN FUCKING LOOP, I GUESS, IF THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS!  
CG: AND IT WAS FRAUGHT WITH SELF LOATHING AND THE WEIGHT OF DEADLY CULTURAL BIASES, I’LL FUCKING HAVE YOU KNOW!!  
CG: I DID *NOT* FUCKING ENLIST MY FUCKING FUTURE SELF TO ROLEPLAY A LITTLE FUCKING EXTRA *STRIDER TIME*!!!  
TG: hey like i said no judgment  
CG: AHHH!!!!  
TG: lotta shout poles all of a sudden tho  
CG: OH MY GOD FINE!  
CG: I’LL FUCKING DO IT IN RED!  
TG: are you sure  
CG: YES!  
TG: you dont have to  
CG: NO, I CAN DO IT!  
CG: JUST  
CG: GIVE ME A SEC.  
TG: sure bro take all the time you need  
CG:  ...  
CG:  oh hey whats up are we all chill in here are we all feelin cool  
TG: oh my god  
CG:  im just a cool ass cat  
TG: you sound like a fuckin  
CG:  in my dope as shit shades  
TG: jazz man or something  
CG:  fuck yeah man  
TG: or like the worlds worst beat poet  
CG:  wassup  
TG: holy shit dude how are you are so fucking bad at this  
TG: unreal  
CG:  cmon bro you know im the king  
CG:  im the king of cool  
TG: this is so embarrassing  
CG:  the king of not givin a shit about shit  
CG:  shit like punctuation  
CG:  capitalization  
TG: fuck you you capitalize everything  
CG:  naw yo  
TG: oh my god  
TG: i feel like im looking in a funhouse mirror  
TG: but its like not even actually my reflection  
CG:  come on down and kiss the kings ring  
TG: some asshole just spray painted over it  
CG:  you know u wanna  
TG: they tried to paint a picture of me  
TG: but they just like talked to a guy whod talked to a guy  
TG: whod seen me from a distance once  
CG:  cmon dave you just wish you could be as cool as me dogg  
TG: in the dark when my back was turned  
CG:  im so dope  
TG: and they were all talking to each other through tin cans  
CG:  you wish you could be as dope as the king bro  
TG: this is straight up creepy  
CG:  i donno man i think its pretty cool  
TG: ok thats better  
CG:  tbh id be all hells of disappointed if you didnt  
TG: what  
CG:  you sure dude  
TG: ??  
CG:  its chill bro i can wait i got nowhere to be  
CG:  you know me  
CG:  i got all the time in the world to kill on this rock and in case you forgot im the fuckin knight of time  
TG: wait  
CG:  there has probably literally never been another dude with as much time on his hands as this dude you see before you  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: fuck you karkat i recognize this  
CG:  or would see before you if youd just get your ass over here cmon karkat what the fuck are you even doin out there man come the fuck to bed  
TG: this is me  
TG: this is fucking me  
TG: i said this shit to you before fuck you man i remember this youre just copying and pasting from our old conversations  
TG: thats straight up cheating that is so uncool  
TG: actually  
TG: you know what  
CG:  what  
TG:  OH MY FUCKING GOD, KARKAT!!!  
TG:  YOU CAN’T JUST COPY SHIT I’VE SAID TO YOU ALREADY AND PASS IT OFF AS YOUR FUCKING OWN!!  
TG:  THAT’S THE ***LAZIEST*** SHIT I HAVE EVER SUFFERED THE SEVERE TRAUMA OF ALLOWING TO PASS THROUGH MY GLANCENUGGETS!!!!  
TG:  I SWEAR I CAN FEEL THE RAZOR SHARP EDGES OF YOUR WORDS SHREDDING THEIR WAY ONE **FUCKING** NERVE ENDING AT A TIME THROUGH MY SEETUBES INTO MY THINKPAN!!!  
TG:  YOU ARE THE LAZIEST MOTHERFUCKER I HAVE EVER MET!  
TG:  CENTURIES FROM NOW POETS WILL WRITE EPICS ABOUT YOUR LEGENDARY LAZINESS!!!!  
TG:  OUR CONVERSATION WILL BE ADAPTED INTO A FABLE TO WARN WIGGLERS OF THE DANGERS OF BEING A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!  
TG:  IT’LL BE CALLED THE LONG SUFFERING STRIDER AND THE LAZY WINDBEAST!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: NOPE, YOU LOST ME AT THE END THERE.  
TG:  WHAT  
TG: i mean what  
TG: why  
CG: BECAUSE “WINDBEAST” ISN’T A REAL ANIMAL, THAT’S WHY!  
TG: fuck  
TG: really?  
CG: YEP, SORRY.  
CG: THE REST WAS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD, THOUGH.  
CG: APART FROM YOUR WEIRD SHOUT POLE ADDICTION.  
TG: shit so close  
CG: WHAT ANIMAL WERE YOU GOING FOR?  
TG: what  
CG: I MEAN WHAT’S THE EARTH ANIMAL YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY?  
CG: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS.  
CG: COME ON, DAVE, WE’RE FUCKING WORKSHOPPING HERE.  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: i wasnt thinking of a real animal  
CG: WHAT??  
TG: yeah i just threw two words together and hoped for the best i figured thats what you guys do anyway  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, DAVE!  
CG: NO, THAT’S NOT WHAT WE FUCKING DO!  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  
TG: dude you didnt bat an eye at fuckin “glancenugget”  
CG: YEAH, BECAUSE THAT ONE’S FUCKING REAL!  
TG: so not helping your case bro  
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE!  
CG: AT LEAST WITH GLANCENUGGET YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT!  
CG: YOU WERE SO CLOSE AND YOU LOST IT BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T BE ASSED TO COME UP WITH AN *ANIMAL!*  
CG: THAT’S BEYOND PATHETIC!  
CG: YOU HAVE *NO* FUCKING ROOM TO JUDGE!  
TG: i donno i think it was brave of me to stretch my creative wings  
CG: THERE’S NOTHING FUCKING CREATIVE ABOUT IT!  
CG: THE WHOLE NAME OF THE FUCKING GAME IS  
CG:  verisimilitude my guy  
TG: bahaha  
CG:  come on man you cant just toss two fuckin words together and assume theyre gonna magically turn into a troll word  
CG:  that would be so fucking stupid  
CG:  thered just be so many fuckin troll words dude  
CG:  like theres all the regular words obviously like boom thats a whole fucking language right there right off the bat  
TG: wait  
CG:  oh but you want more you say  
CG:  well fine ok i mean i thought we were doin just great with just one language here but whatever you say bro lets just take every single one of those words and mash em together into pairs an throw that in the pot too  
TG: hold on  
CG:  were makin soup by the way  
TG: what the fuck  
CG:  it was gonna be clam chowder but SOMEBODY fuckin decided to turn it into word soup instead so here we are standin in the kitchen like jackasses with a comically undersized ladle and a pot that was supposed to hold like five quarts of creamy clammy goodness MAX  
CG:  and now its got like a whole language to the power of a language worth of words already  
CG:  and whoever fuckin invented “alternian” is over there in the corner snickerin up a storm  
CG:  eyein groups of three words smashed together with this fuckin devilish glint in their eye  
TG: holy fuck  
CG:  shit is straight up impish  
TG: holy fucking shit  
CG:  what im sayin is shits gonna boil over yo  
TG: karkat  
CG:  and we havent even added the creamed corn  
TG: what the fuck is this  
TG: i cant  
TG: this is too good  
TG: is  
TG: is there a future dave there karkat is that whats happening here  
TG: am i fucking talking to myself  
TG: future dave if this is you this is hella irresponsible i hope you fucking know what youre doing man  
CG:  no this isnt fucking futur  
CG: DAVE, SERIOUSLY?  
TG: what  
CG: YOU THINK YOU FUCKING BROKE YOUR SOLEMN AND RIGHTEOUS VOW AGAINST ANY KIND OF TIME TRAVEL  
CG: AND PUT ALL OF US AND THE ALPHA TIMELINE AT RISK  
CG: JUST SO YOU COULD COME BACK FROM THE FUTURE AND TEAM UP WITH ME TO FUCK WITH YOUR PAST SELF?  
TG: hey man im not ruling it out  
CG: OH MY GOD, DAVE!  
CG: YOU HONESTLY THINK *THAT’S* MORE LIKELY THAN THE PROSPECT THAT AFTER A WHOLE FUCKING SWEEP OF HANGING OUT WITH YOUR *HIGHLY IMITABLE* ASS  
CG: I’VE MANAGED TO PICK UP ON YOUR FUCKING SPEECH PATTERNS?  
CG: NOT TO MENTION YOUR PENCHANT FOR IRONY AND ALL AROUND TENDENCY TO BE AN UNCOOPERATIVE PIECE OF SHIT?  
TG: oh my god  
CG: ANYONE ON THIS METEOR COULD FUCKING PULL IT OFF, DAVE!  
TG: wait are you saying  
TG: holy shit  
TG: karkat  
TG: the irony  
TG: were you  
TG: were you ironically shittily roleplaying as me earlier is that seriously what was going on  
TG: karkat have you been fucking daniel day lewising me here  
CG:  the roleplay layer pile doesnt stop from getting taller  
TG: oh my god  
CG:  it keeps happening  
TG: oh my god this is amazing  
TG: where the fuck are you  
TG: i love this i need to see this shit in person  
CG:  what no man you cant see me do this in person  
CG:  my voice is all shouty dude its gonna be so fucking stupid  
CG:  like fuckin lil jon tryna sing that sad ass sarah mclachlan song from the dog commercial that brings even the hardest of dudes to their knees  
TG: holy shit  
CG:  this is all you get bro  
CG:  a first class ticket on the strider text express  
CG:  smoothest fuckin ride this side of paradox space  
CG:  which is all sides  
CG:  since regular space already doesnt have sides  
CG:  and paradox space is hells more complicated than that  
CG:  its like fuckin pimp my ride  
CG:  xzibits all standin there with his stupid smiley smug face  
CG:  like mtv hasnt literally bought his soul and chained him to a rock where he has to ridiculously augment piece of shit cars for all eternity while a bird eats his spleen or some shit  
CG:  and through the cawing of sea birds and the crashing of waves  
CG:  he shrieks into the abyss  
CG:  yo dogg i heard you like wormholes  
TG: !!!!!!!!  
TG: oh my god  
TG: karkat  
TG: this is incredible  
TG: i dont care if you cant do the voice i gotta see you im in the meal block dude can you please just get the hell over here  
TG: i need to see you ive never been more in love with you in my entire life  
CG: ...  
CG: I’M FUCKING PRETENDING TO BE YOU, DAVE.  
TG: oh  
TG: huh  
TG: yeah  
TG: uh  
TG: whatever lets not examine that one too closely for now ok  
TG: can you please just get over here already  
CG:  on my way bro  
TG: bahahaha cant wait  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
